Q: My teenage daughter wants to go to a Travis Scott concert with some friends (one parent will be there; the concert is in another city nearby, so it’ll be an overnight trip). She is a wonderful, kind and hard-working kid, but I am having a hard time supporting a singer whose concert led to people being trampled to death a few years ago. Plus, his music has a lot of direct and indirect references to violence, misogyny and similar questionable traits. We are confused and any perspective would be appreciated.
A: It is understandable that you have some concerns; the trampling deaths of those young people were absolutely tragic and completely avoidable. Let’s take a look at this.
First, I don’t know how old your teen is, and that makes a difference. Is she 13 or 16? You may decide that, even with another parent there and even with your daughter’s characteristics of being “wonderful, kind and hard-working,” she is simply too young to be at this concert. And while you don’t say it, other parents will have older teens who still aren’t mature enough to go to shows like this and be expected to make good decisions. Only you know what is best for your child, based on her age, personality and maturity.
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That said, there is a time in every parent’s life where they have to face the fact their child is growing up, becoming more independent and can face some (reasonable) risk. We all want our children to be safe forever, but the reality is that you must teach your child how to assess danger and risk, not to completely avoid it. Here are some questions that I would ask to gauge your child’s readiness for this trip:
- Does your teen respond to your texts and calls?
- Does your teen have friends who seem to make good decisions? Not perfect, not great … just good.
- Does your teen talk to you about things going on in their life or with their friends? You don’t need to gab like girlfriends, but if you don’t know much about your teen’s life or anything about their friends, this could be a spot to improve in your relationship.
- Does your teen come to you for advice or with their problems? Teens who don’t feel they can go to their parents tend to make riskier decisions.
- Has your teen been to other concerts? Concert experience is important!
- Does your teen understand misogyny and violence? What do they have to say about it?
- And this isn’t about your child, but do you trust the adult that they are traveling with?
If the answer is “yes” to almost every question, I would argue that your teen is likely ready for this trip. Of course, you will talk to them about the nature of concerts like these. Discuss how crowds work, and how they can be dangerous. Explain how drugs are passed in concerts. You can talk about getting roofied (it happens) and about fentanyl being in otherwise innocuous-looking meds. If you don’t know much about this, it’s the perfect time to educate yourself.
Helping her understand where to stand, how to not be separated from her friends and who to go to for help are best done before you send her away with another parent. But the good news? Travis Scott, however you feel about his music, is not going to want anything to ever happen to his fans, ever again. It is surely an artist’s worst nightmare when a tragic accident occurs at a show, and I would be surprised if there weren’t a robust security team in the crowd to prevent another tragedy.
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Be clear in your expectations, and be clear — every day, not just before this concert — about how you will support and love her no matter what.
As for the language and themes in the music, you have to decide if you really want to die on this hill. It seems like every generation clutches their proverbial pearls about new music, so you aren’t alone in your shock. Remember: The Beatles were once outrageous!
But you can also use this as a time to think about the conversations you can have with your teen. You can be curious rather than judgmental about Scott’s life, and that could sound like, “So, I heard Travis Scott has a documentary on Netflix, let’s get some popcorn and watch it.” Then watch it together. You could say, “Did you know he had a big start as a producer? He’s worked with some big names …” And, if you don’t know any of the names (Drake, T.I.), look them up. You don’t need to be an expert, but a quick Google search will show you how influential Scott is in music and fashion. Even if you don’t like his music, he is an interesting and talented artist.
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Of course you have the right to object to any music, but your teen will probably be leaving your house soon. While she is with you, how do you want to help her think, consider and trust her instincts? Share your values with her, but also listen to her values and how she sees the world. She is her own person and, by all accounts, she sounds like a lovely young woman.
You have the right to say, “my teen is not ready for this trip for a variety of reasons” (immaturity, worry about her friends, whatever the reason may be). But if you make that decision, please be ready to sit with your teen to make a plan for how she can get ready to go to shows and concerts. What can you attend together? What skills need to be grown and demonstrated? What would that look like?
If she does go, get ready to talk to other parents about your concerns, and own your decision so she knows she has your support: Make a deal where she will check in with you. Kiss and hug her, smile and say: “You are going to have a wonderful time. Take lots of pictures!” Also get yourself ready to stay home and worry a bit. Sure, it would be nice to wave goodbye and kick back and relax, but your parent-heart will worry. That’s what we do as we continually urge our children to take some risks, wisely.
As our teens venture forth, it is helpful to have another parent friend whose children are slightly older and can assure you that yes, this is nerve wracking and it is good for your teen. Good luck. (And start playing some Travis Scott!)
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